Blog Entry
Posted by Kristen Alldrin on March 05, 2011 to Family Life blog
In the beginning of our adoption process, I wondered if I would ever really feel like these children were mine.
I think that every prospective adoptive parent that already has biological children wonders, "Will I feel the same way about my adopted kids as I do my other children?"
This was a question that I wrestled with and finally came to the conclusion that it really doesn't matter how I feel. I am capable of loving and parenting all my children, regardless of my feelings. As most of us know, feelings are a terrible way to make decisions. "Follow your heart" is a common phrase. Jeremiah 17:9 says, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" Do we really want to follow our hearts?
Over the past 14 months I have struggled with guilt over my emotions. I wanted desperately to have the same feelings about my adopted children that I had for my other children, and I wanted those feelings to come instantly. When I would hug and kiss them at night and tell them, "I love you", I would have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach like I was not being honest. When I kissed my other children, I didn't feel that way! I was letting my emotions rule over me.
I can't pinpoint when it happened, but gradually those feelings have faded and given way to feelings of adoration, respect and pride in my new children. I know them for who they really are, not just what the paperwork said about them. I know what makes them laugh and what makes them cry. I know their favorite foods and how they like their hair styled (and I can actually do it now). I know their ticklish spots and I can tell by looking at them when they don't feel well.
Fast forward to last night. I woke up about 1:30 to hear Samuel coughing. I listened for a bit to assess the situation (hey, I'm 40 and he's the 7th child - I don't jump right out of bed for a little cough). As I listened, I heard him gagging. I jumped out of bed and ran to him as fast as I could in my sleep-induced fog. I scooped him up out of bed and pounded on his back. Once I was sure that he was OK, I headed to the kitchen to get him some cough syrup. Samuel is a very sound sleeper and didn't ever fully wake up. As I held him and watched him sleep, I realized that my heart was pounding. I had an adrenaline rush from being frightened. I stood there with tears in my eyes, thanking the Lord for these feelings. It was an emotional and physical reaction that I was having and I was rejoicing! I have loved this little guy for almost two years. I loved him through photos and care packages and dreams. I loved him through piles of paperwork and tears of frustration over countless delays. I loved him by boarding an airplane bound for Ethiopia. I boarded that airplane in tears, thinking, "Whose stupid idea was this?" (I hate to fly and I really hated leaving our other kids behind). I loved him through the first six weeks when he gave nothing back, not even eye contact. I held him and told him I loved him every time I put him down for a nap and knew that he would scream for the next couple of hours. I just kept doing what needed to be done and showing him love. It has taken time to really get to know him, though. It has taken time for my feelings to catch up to what my mind was doing, what the Lord had called me to do. It is not easy to bond with three new children all at once, especially when there are already four beloved children that need you too.
Last night, I was blessed to know it wouldn't have mattered which child in the house woke up coughing and gagging. I would feel the same way about any of them.
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